


Those Who Don't Jump Never Fly

by thevalesofanduin



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pavel is a proper adult, and better at emotions than Leonard, insecure leonard, what a surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 12:45:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9440960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevalesofanduin/pseuds/thevalesofanduin
Summary: It is in the end not about Pavel's age but about Leonard's insecurities. But even those are relative because when you live in space, is love truly such a risk?





	

Leonard is not a religious man, but if he was he’d surely go to Hell when death finally gets its hands on him.

He’d deserve it too.

A flash of pale skin, playful curls and deep grey eyes flashes unbiddenly in front of his eyes.

Christ, here he is catching himself thinking about him again. The boy – _man_ , Leonard, he’s older now – that’s so undeniably brilliant and sweet even a thirty-six year old country doctor couldn’t look the other way. Handsome and _fourteen years_ his junior.

Fourteen years, a lifetime it seems and Leonard feels like drowning himself with the contents of his glass in the hopes it will make him feel less like an old creep.

It’s a good thing his Mama is safely back on Earth, far away from her failure of a son. She’s tried so hard to raise him a Southern Gentleman but all that seems to have stuck of her hard labor is the accent.

That and a love for Bourbon he learned from his Papa.

Where he got the love for young, brilliant Russian boys – men – from he does not know. He’d like to find out, though, if only to tell the other person _fuck you_ and explain exactly how inappropriate the whole age-difference is.

 

He heaves a sigh and takes a big sip of the Bourbon his Mama sent him for his last birthday.

They’d spoken briefly, Jo sitting in his Mama’s lap and his Mama – as befits a Southern woman – had asked him about anyone new in his life. _You’re getting old, Len._ She’d teased and Jo had giggled. 

But Leonard hadn’t laughed. His gut had clenched and he’d hidden a fist underneath the table. It had taken all his self-control to grumble something in reply and not hang up on them with a flimsy excuse.

Maybe he shouldn’t have gone for the Bourbon tonight, he thinks as he downs the rest of his glass in an angry gulp. 

But then again, the only other liquor currently on his shelf is vodka and he’s certain that in this case the Bourbon is the lesser of two evils.

It also tastes better, if he’s honest and you don’t drown yourself in expensive Bourbon. 

That’s more of a vodka thing.

 

He’s just finished his third glass when Jim waltzes into his private room like he owns the place.

But this time, there’s no jokes. No teasing or big hand movements accompanying another of Jim’s grand stories of what happened today. 

No, when Leonard glances up at his friend from his hunched over position at his dining table he sees Jim is just standing there, looking at him.

There’s a look in his eyes, sadness laced with pity perhaps. 

It sets Leonard’s teeth on edge. He already feels like he’s a disgusting old man and could do very well without Jim’s pity. A first time in their friendship he’s ever received such a look and for a moment he considers asking Jim to leave – which would also be a first.

But before he makes up his mind, Jim shakes his head, makes his way over to the small table Leonard keeps his alcohol on and grabs a glass. He sits down on the other side of the table from Leonard, takes the Bourbon and fills up both their glasses.

“Self-pity is not a good look on your, Bones.” Jim raises both his eyes and his glass to Leonard and his voice is stern and somewhat disappointed when he continues. “You need to stop drinking alone because you think apparently I’ll be too disgusted to listen to your worries, Bones. Talk to me.”

Leonard raises an eyebrow, clinks his glass against Jim’s and takes yet another sip. “That supposed to be a toast?” He tries to sound amused because it’s better than the alternative.

He fails, only managing to sound bitter.

Jim raises an eyebrow in return and leans back against the chair, glass dangling from his long fingers.

This is, Leonard always thinks, the Jim not a lot of people see. The silent force, the beacon in the night and the voice of reason. 

Jim’s only like that with Leonard when he thinks Leonard’s wrong about something or when he thinks he needs either support or pushing. 

Leonard huffs, shakes his head and looks at the liquid in his glass rather than at the understanding in Jim’s eyes. He’s not sure what to think of it other than that he doesn’t deserve it. “I do hope I’m not that obvious.” He rasps, suddenly scared. The anger and irritation he normally uses to protect himself with has disappeared with Jim’s easy company, leaving a feeling of dread behind that Leonard usually only feels when he thinks of the vastness of space.

“You’re not.” Jim reassures him with a shake of his head and then with a small smile adds: “But I _know_ you, Bones.”

“You sure about that?” Leonard shakes his head. Jim knows, has probably known for a while and perhaps Leonard isn’t such a pervert after all if despite knowing, Jim still wants to be his friend. But then again, “he’s so young.”

That seems to stop Jim short. He narrows his eyes and puts his glass down onto the table. “No he’s not.”

“He’s twenty-two, Jim for fuck’s sake.” Leonard sighs, feeling tired. Old and ashamed of every time his heart beats faster at either a sight or a thought of Pavel. 

“You know just as well as I do that age is just a number.” Jim points out, face serious. “He’s seen and done more in _just_ twenty-two years than many achieve in their whole lives. No-one aboard this ship is young, Bones. Not even Chekov.” Jim shakes his head and the smile that twists on his lips is wry. “Especially not Chekov.”

It's true and Leonard knows it. Pavel was perhaps young when he started at the academy but now? Now he's both saved and lost lives, is responsible for the safety of so many people on a daily basis. It weighs on Pavel sometimes and probably more than Leonard knows. But sometimes, between the playing cards with the guys and the private conversations of just the two of them Pavel's eyes get this sadness over them. One time, as they were sitting side by side watching space pass by outside the Enterprise, Pavel had whispered he still dreamt of her. Leonard almost asked who but Pavel's "Spock's mom" beat him to it. There aren't a lot of moments in his life Leonard remembers vividly but he's certain he'll always be able to recall the sensation of being punched into the gut with just two words. His fingers had itched to touch Pavel, to offer comfort and to banish that forlorn, sad look in those beautiful eyes. Because Leonard knew that look, carried it around after his father’s death and knew the guilt that came with it. So, for once, he didn’t resist his urges and gently slid his fingers around Pavel’s shoulder. He let them rest there and as Pavel silently mourned a loss that wasn’t his, Leonard told stories of growing up in Georgia to fill the silence. 

Jim is right, Pavel isn't young.

But that doesn't stop Leonard from feeling too old.

“Bones,” Jim’s sigh is soft, exasperated in a way and it’s as though he’s heard Leonard’s whole monologue judging by the look on his face. “If _your_ age is the only thing stopping you here you’re holding yourself back for the wrong reasons.”

Leonard feels naked under Jim’s gaze and it makes his skin crawl. It’s like his friend can read every insecurity he has – how Pavel deserves so much better than an old, divorced father – and it’s too much.

He downs his drink and averts his eyes.

Jim’s expression softens. “Maybe you should let him have a say in this as well, is all I’m saying.”

The curl of hope in his stomach is what he calls the Jim-effect. Those blue eyes, the genuine smile and caring words always did find a way to convince Leonard to do things he’d never thought possible. So when he murmurs “maybe” in reply, he means it.

\---

Before venturing out in space for five years Leonard hadn’t exactly had a lot of things to call his own.

Most things he’d left behind with Jocelyn and some others at his parents’ house because why take your baby photos and university study material? He did bring several – more like a dozen – pictures of Joanna but he keeps those in his room, not his locker.

So upon setting out, the locker labeled _Bones_ – thanks to Jim – had been all but empty.

Now he has a shelf dedicated to medical publications he’s gathered since they headed out, a shelf of alcohol and also the box filled with things his Mama sent him. 

With time to waste on his hands and his curiosity sparked – because yes, he has forgotten what exactly his Mama deemed space-necessities – he starts to unpack its contents.

He’s halfway through the box, surrounded by towels and a blue, handmade quilt hanging from his lap when he hears: “Is blue, like your shirt.”

Leonard startles, loses his balance and falls right on his ass with his head bouncing against the locker at his back. “Jesus Christ,” he huffs but at least he can pretend his heart is in his throat because of the fall and not because that amused, accent-laden voice belongs to none other than Pavel Chekov.

Leonard looks up and finds Pavel leaning against one of the lockers, arms crossed in front of his chest and amusement written clearly over his face. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He offers but the twinkle of mirth in his eyes belies his apology.

Leonard pushes himself up so he’s at least siting properly and raises an eyebrow at Pavel.

Pavel smirks. “Is, how you say, karma? For the whiskey.”

Leonard feels a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “Well, you see –”

Leonard is interrupted when Pavel waves a hand in the air. “I hope the Captain enjoyed it.” He laughs.

And oh, how Leonard’s heart flips at the sound of that laugh. The deep rumble, the almost sensual upward curl of those luscious lips and the way Pavel’s eyes scrunch up a bit in his amusement. The way how, apparently, Pavel’s eyes linger. How he takes in Leonard just as much as the other way around and how the laugh turns affectionate, his eyes soft.

Leonard’ breath is stuck in his throat, the blush not going away and Jim’s advice of including Pavel in his decision of where this is going suddenly seems a lot more reliable.

The connection between them, it’s always been there. Only Leonard had always looked the other way. Now that he’s paying attention, though, he can’t help but be aware of what’s between them.

And if before, he was scared because of his age this realization of what can be is a whole different kind of terrifying altogether.

“He did,” he finds himself murmuring almost as an afterthought and his voice is so full of emotion – hope, confusion, panic – that it’s raw around the edges.

For a second, Pavel furrows his brow and watches Leonard thoughtfully. Then he seems to shake of whatever thought was bothering him and nods his head. “Good, it was good whiskey.”

“Where did you get it from?” Leonard asks because it’s always good to know where to get some good alcohol.

“My mama sends me things, too.” He says proudly and nodding at the heaps of things surrounding Leonard. Then, though, Pavel looks up and catches Leonard’s eyes, grinning. “Is just, my  mamochka knows how to send it.”

Leonard rolls his eyes with a long-suffering sigh. “That happened once.”

Pavel grins like the Cheshire cat and Leonard is certain he’s remembering the one time the Federation’s security division almost rounded Leonard up for being involved in contraband trafficking.

It’d been quite the scene with lots of arguing. In the end, Leonard had to confirm that Mama was indeed just his mother – and not code for whatever they deemed suspicious – and Bourbon was just whiskey and no, the 20th of January was his birthday you dim-witted cow. By the end of it, he’d had his Mama’s birthday-Bourbon confiscated, was lucky enough he hadn’t actually popped a vein _or_ murdered the entire security team and Jim had been close to rolling on the ground with laughter. The rest of the present crew had at least tried to be a bit more discreet about their amusement but it was grins and snickering all around as Leonard had stomped his way back to the Enterprise.

No-one will ever let him live it down, though. 

Not even Pavel.

“Is still funny.” Pavel chuckles.

Leonard rolls his eyes and turns back to the box – better than staring longingly at the other – but the moment he looks inside he freezes.

There, amongst a few PADDs is an honest to God paper book.

And as Leonard looks at the small, worn book and catches sight of the familiar curl of colors on an otherwise black cover, the world seems to stand still.

He’s brought back to a humid Georgia summer night, padding through his Grandma’s house on naked feet to steal the paperback from its proud position in the bookcase. Sneaking back up the stairs and under his blanket, accompanied only by his torch and reading the story that ingrained so much fear in his little mind he never looked at the sky quite the same way again.

_The Colour Out of Space_ had terrified Leonard of space when he was only twelve and still terrifies him today.

“Leonard?” Pavel’s voice is soft and hesitant, a worried frown on his face.

“It’s been in my family for ages.” Leonard starts, feels like he needs to explain to Pavel – wants to share his bad memory like Pavel had shared his in an act of trust and openness. He opens the book and on the back of the cover is the familiar loopy handwriting of Sarah McCoy. He traces his finger over the little stars drawn with yellow marker next to her name. “When space travel became a thing her husband signed up straight away. It’s clear he was always intrigued by space and she gave him this book, thought it was romantic.” He lets the page fall down and lays a slightly shaky hand on top of the cover. “Not sure why, all I read here is all fears of space composed in a small book. It terrified me when I was twelve and it still terrifies me today.”

Pavel is looking at Leonard with an almost surprised smile, a proud gleam in his eyes like he’s never quite realized before that by coming to space, Leonard conquered his fears. He sits down on the floor next to Leonard, back against the lockers and shoulder against Leonard’s. He turns to Leonard, cocking his head to the side. “Why are you scared of space?”

There’s so much honest curiosity on Pavel’s face, a genuine interest that deserves a better answer than the fact that space is filled with disease. They’ve been out in space for two years now, that bit is obvious. Leonard lowers his eyes to the book. It’s not that he’s constantly scared of where he is. But when he does allow himself to stop and think about it, the vastness of it all scares him. How big space is – endless for all they know – and just: “There’s so much we don’t know.”

“So?” Pavel shrugs. “We explore.” There’s what seems to be a small fire burning in Pavel’s eyes, his voice sure and the hand he places on Leonard’s knee steady and affectionate combined with the small smile on his lips.

And somehow, it feels like the conversation has shifted. It’s more intimate now, their voices hushed and their sides touching. It is, Leonard realizes, perhaps not about his fear of space anymore. He'd laugh if he wasn't so serious - nervous all of a sudden - because of course space is a euphemism for his feelings for Pavel as well.

It's almost ironic were it not for the fact that Leonard is in space now. One fear conquered.

He swallows, feels terribly insecure now for he's never been good with his feelings and his divorce has left him brittle, always holding back in fear of getting hurt again. “And what if that doesn’t work out?” He dares a glance at Pavel at the question.

Pavel, who is looking radiant, a soft yet happy expression on his face as if he hadn't expected Leonard to continue the conversation.

It both warms Leonard's heart and makes him feel guilty for making him look like that. Jim, in the end, is right - though he'll never admit it to his face. There is more than just Leonard involved in this.

Pavel shrugs, albeit a but awkwardly with both locker and Leonard in the way. “Is life. If you don’t jump, you’ll never fly.”

It's completely unexpected, the laugh that bubbles up in Leonard and he doesn't want to say “you know about this thing called aviophobia, right?” but it's what comes out of his mouth anyway.

Nerves don't benefit his eloquence.

Pavel rolls his eyes. “And here you are.” He waves a hand around the room with an exasperated smile. Then Pavel’s hand finds Leonard’s knee again, his long slender fingers curling around it in a fleeting, teasing touch. He looks at Leonard through slightly lowered lashes and head tilted to the side with a smile that’s both shy and charming. “Some things are worth the risk, Leonard.”

Leonard can't breathe for a few seconds, his whole world inverted into Pavel's words, Pavel's soft touch on his knee and just _Pavel_. He almost says _yes, yes I'll take a jump with you I never vowed I'd take again. I'll fight my own insecurities for you because by God, Darlin' I love you_.

But the words don't come out in the two seconds he has before Pavel stands up and with a "think about it, Leonard" leaves the locker room as abruptly as he seemed to have come.

Leaving Leonard alone, surrounded by his memories. With the embodiment of his fear of space in his hands and love in his heart.

\---

To his own surprise, it only takes Leonard one almost-sleepless night to make up his mind.

He twists and turns, gets a glass of water and then twists and turns again, his mind echoing between Jim's advice and Pavel's words.

He thinks of age, of how mismatched a pair they are in almost everything. He allows himself to reach to the bottom of the pit of insecurities. Of how it was never about Pavel - not his age nor his experience - but rather about Leonard being afraid of being left behind. This time perhaps not for one of his own Goddamn friends but for someone younger, someone less grumpy and fitting better with everything that Pavel is.

He thinks of how good the first years with Jocelyn were. Before he’d turned to alcohol to forget his guilt over his father’s passing, before the fights. He’s a different man now, knows he won’t make the same mistakes again.

_Some things are worth the risk_

And in the darkness of his room at ten past four in the morning Leonard decides that yes, some things are worth the risk. 

If being in space whilst being friends with Jim Kirk hasn’t killed him yet then truly, his world will not implode on itself when he admits his feelings to the man he knows returns them.

 

The first thing he does when he knows Jim’s shift has started is send his friend a message, inquiring when Pavel’s shift ends that day.

He expects a smug message in return, an I-told-you-so or just a lot of flair to go with Jim’s exuberant personality. He must admit he doesn’t quite expect the _he finishes at 19.00. good luck Bones, you deserve this._

It makes him all the more grateful to have Jim as his friend.

 

It’s close to eight o’clock in the “evening” when Leonard finds himself in front of Pavel’s door. He announces his presence with a single chime through the communicator at the door and Christ, this is it. He can’t turn away anymore.

The door slides open and Pavel’s on the other side in his black undershirt and gray slacks. “Leonard,” his expression goes from surprise to happy in an instant. He steps aside to let Leonard in. 

The door closes behind him when Leonard is inside the tiny room. Really, an Ensign’s quarters are nothing impressive but Pavel’s is covered with glowing constellations hanging from the ceiling and pictures of planets on the walls. 

“A drink?” Pavel offers.

“No,” Leonard shakes his head. No alcohol, he tells himself. Not now. “I wanted to talk to you.” The words come out unnatural and Leonard shoves his hands in his pockets, doesn’t know how to hold himself.

Pavel crosses his arms in front of his chest and leans his head to the side. “What about?” Hope mixed with caution.

Leonard’s lips twist up into the ghost of a smile. “I think you know.”

Pavel’s raised eyebrow is loud and clear, the words _I have waited too long to let you get off that easy_ and _I have done my talking now it’s your turn_ conveyed without words. 

Leonard lowers his eyes. “I have been a coward.” He mumbles and turns his eyes to one of the white constellations hanging above Pavel’s bed, unable to look at the young man himself. “It’s part of me, you know? Cowardice. Hid my grief in alcohol after my father and when I lost both my wife and my daughter I fled to space. Told myself you’d dump me for someone younger.” 

“You have so little faith in me?” There’s a frown on Pavel’s face and hurt in his voice.

_Shit_ , Leonard thinks. He’s doing this all wrong. Not saying the right things and upsetting Pavel in the process. He rakes a hand through his hair and turns desperate eyes to Pavel. “You could have someone so much better than me.” He blurts, hoping it will explain.

It does. Or at least, it softens Pavel’s expression and he steps up to Leonard, lifting a hand to Leonard’s cheek. “I don’t want better.”

Leonard leans into the touch, feels his skin burn at it and every nerve in his body seems to sing _finally, yes finally!_ He cover’s Pavel’s hand with his own. “You might one day.”

There’s a knowing look in Pavel’s eyes as he repeats his words from the previous day. “Love is always a risk.”

“And I’ll take it.” Leonard breathes, eyes locking with Pavel’s. The universe seems to stand still, turning around only them and Leonard is afraid but also happy and in love. “If you’ll still have me, I’ll take it Pavel.”

There are no words, just soft lips pressed to Leonard’s. There’s a hand in his hair and fingers at his neck and oh, how stupid has he been to deny himself this. 

To deny both of them this.

He returns the kiss, slips his hands around Pavel’s waist to pull him closer and in their kiss there is frustration and tenderness and want. There’s so much and yet not enough but still it’s perfect.

Pavel’s smile as they pull apart is blinding, lighting up his face like the brightest of stars Leonard’s ever seen. “I have not waited five years to say no.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [Tumblr](http://thevalesofanduin.tumblr.com/) <3


End file.
